Dear Joey,

Welcome to the world! I have taken the liberty, on the occasion of your birth and naming, to create an email address for you. As they say, "you only have your one good name." (They isn’t anyone in particular, but just a thing people say to give their thoughts more credibility.) I am pleased to present you with this respectable email address. It combines elements of your good name and eschews numbers, “baller,” etc. Given your family’s generational love of hockey, this should help you avoid having to say or type “puckbro6_7” when hoping to communicate electronically with others. 

God willing, by the time you read this, 6-7 will have exited the zeitgeist and only surface as an occasional Jeopardy! question. Joey, keep in mind that on Jeopardy!, the host gives you the clue in the form of an answer and you need to answer in the form of a question. You’ll also need to make sure that your guess on The Price is Right does not exceed the manufacturer’s suggested retail price of the household product, consumer appliance or your package of prizes in the Showcase Showdown.

You were born in Ohio. This is not your fault. Many people have been born in Ohio and have gone on to become contributing members of society. One of those people is Drew Carey, who starred in an eponymous situation comedy set in Cleveland and now hosts The Price is Right. That said, we look forward to your arrival and residency in Michigan, which has both higher speed limits and a greater tolerance by local law enforcement for driving at speeds exceeding those posted legal limits. There are sometimes holes in the roads, but their presence affords drivers the opportunity to improve their reflexes and gives people something to talk about in between sports matches.

You were born on December 1. In spite of the weeks and months of anticipation, your mom was outspoken that she wanted you to have a December birthday like hers, her mom’s and many other members of your extended family. Everyone has a birthday; remembering other people’s birthdays is generally considered a sign that you acknowledge and appreciate their existence. I have trouble remembering people’s birthdays, especially if they fall in the second half of the month, so I am grateful that you were born on December 1. 

Note: Dutch households typically have verjaardagskalender. These calendars, turned to the current month listing the birthdays of friends and family, are kept in the bathroom. My grandma (not Dutch or particularly thoughtful) had one. We live in her old house, but I do not know what became of her verjaardagskalender.

Verjaardagskalender or no, Joey, I will remember your birthday.

You should also be aware that your birthday overlaps with Hanukkah only three times over the next 18 years, but evidence suggests that you may see some diminishing returns on your gifts based on the proximity in time.

Last week, we came to Cleveland for your bris. On the way, we stopped at one of Ohio’s admittedly pleasant Turnpike service plazas. I bought you a Powerball ticket with a potential cash prize of approximately $1 billion. In today’s dollars, that is a substantial amount of money — but it’s a lot less after taxes and even the amount that’s left can really make you wonder if people are being real with you or just telling you what they want you to hear, so maybe it’s okay that you didn’t win. 

We had a chance to speak briefly at the bris. I imagine it was somewhat overwhelming. Rest assured, you did a great job. We are confident that you have a bright future, based on your calm demeanor, nurturing parents and delicious face. I look forward to seeing you again soon. Did you know that your apartment building has a pool on the roof and it’s heated even in the winter? The view is also good, albeit Ohio.

I know you have never been a person before and it’s a lot to process, but I have never been a great uncle before and that’s not nothing. I consider myself to be a good uncle, even though your mom and her siblings and cousins were already BIG when I met them. Based on my experience with them and also my own human children, I believe I have the potential to be a very good great uncle. One thing I know now so I can tell you is don’t put carrot shavings down the garbage disposal. They get all wrapped around the mechanism and then you need to call a plumber to fix it. It’s mostly embarrassing but also expensive.

Here’s something else you should know: You are not named after a dog. However, as is our tradition, you share one of your names with a beloved family pet. Your cousins — first cousins once removed to be precise, as First Cousin Once Removed Phoebe would insist — can verify that the naming convention is an honor.

Joey, you will be increasingly and understandably curious about the world you now inhabit. It has been rough lately, but I am optimistic that things will improve out here as you grow more sentient. As you will soon see, your parents have not ceased to exist when their faces are obscured by their own hands or a napkin. They are here for you always. That's true for all the people who love you and feel like we've won the lottery — tax free! — just by having you in our lives. 

Respectfully yours,

Great Uncle Ben

P.S. You are not a kangaroo, though it's early to say how you will self-identify. I am not including any of the many pictures of your perfect punim here because I do not have your consent. This is not a privilege that I afforded your first cousins once removed.