On Wed, Jan 26, 2022 at 3:41 AM Michigan Lottery wrote:
We’ve noticed that you haven’t logged into your account recently. Now is a great time to do so!
Dear Michigan Lottery,
I've missed you too. Thanks for thinking of me and reaching out. I feel like no one calls me Benjamin anymore.
It has been a while, hasn't it? If I’m being totally honest, sometimes I think about you in the middle of the night too. I never thought to reach out to you during one of those sleepless nights. But maybe I should have.
Hard to believe that the last time I heard from you was almost two years ago, Michigan Lottery. That message said, "Following the announcement of the state's first presumptive positive cases of COVID-19" — but I stopped reading after that because it wasn't about scratching and/or winning. I hope everything turned out okay.
Our records indicate that you have a balance on your Michigan Lottery Online Lottery account.
Truth be told, I'm not much of a gambler these days. Sure, I'm still tempted by your expressway billboards, promising ever greater jackpots. Who wouldn’t want to escape the potholes and stop-and-go traffic in the depths of Michigan winter and visit (or buy) a tropical island together with the lump-sum payout or after-tax annuities of our winning ticket?
I’ve even succumbed to the temptation of your Power Balls on a few occasions and bought a ticket. Here’s the thing, though, Michigan Lottery — I did not win your contest. As a result, I had fewer dollars after I participated than I had before I participated. Every time. You can imagine my disappointment. Such is life, I suppose.
If your account continues to remain inactive, state law requires us to turn this balance over to the Michigan Department of Treasury’s Unclaimed Property Division, as they consider the account abandoned.
No hard feelings, of course. I guess I was just surprised when you wrote me. I hope that means you don’t have any hard feelings either. Maybe it's like if you found my Blind Melon CD at your house and you cared enough to let me know so I won’t be worried or sad that I lost it. You are not inclined to drop off my Blind Melon CD and I understand. You are busy picking winners — making other people’s dreams come true — and funding schools from Alpena to Zilwakee.
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain. I don’t mind retrieving my stuff. I have to remember your address and see if I have the key to get back in. I never wanted you to think I was intruding. Nor do I want you to give you the impression that I had a “rebound” relationship with sports betting. Get it? Of course you do, Michigan Lottery. You love word play even more than I do — Cash O'Lanterns, BeerAlot, The Fast and the Furriest. What are the odds?
If you have any questions, please contact our 24/7 Customer Support Team.
That’s kind, but I don’t want to take up any more of your time than I already have, Michigan Lottery. Besides, you know I was never any good at small talk. Or maybe it was the big talk you wanted that I never seemed ready for.
Visit MichiganLottery.com to login.
Thanks. I see you’ve lost a few w’s. Very slimming — not that you ever needed to change for me. I hope you haven't become case sensitive.
908241 is your security code. It will expire in 5 minutes.
Lucky numbers, amirite? I bet you get that all the time. No jokes about expiring in 5 minutes please.
Wow. I did not see that coming. Michigan Lottery, is this why you wanted me to come back? You’re so different than I remember. With a 100% chance of winning, I can’t lose! That hardly seems like gambling at all. Wouldn’t it be irresponsible not to get $100 for free with no strings attached?
There you go again with the fine print. IN ALL CAPS — it feels like you’re whispering and yelling at me at the same time, Michigan Lottery. I guess some things never change. And 7:00 in the morning? Is this some ploy to keep me here until all hours of the night when my will power is worn down? I’ve fallen for that for the last time.
I see. And it would only cost $100 to turn that $3.50 into $203.50 and I don’t have to pay taxes if I win the top prize of Tax Free™ based on grossing winnings of $141,340.00 and a net prize of $100,00—
No. No. You’re better than this, Benjamin. Don’t get seduced by those creative taxation calculations. This relationship is over and no amount of cartoon gold coins is going to change that. Just withdraw our funds like Michigan Lottery wants and don’t roll the dice on getting your heart broken again.
Withdraw to Visa Debit. You have graciously given me a choice, Michigan Lottery, and I choose Withdraw to Visa Debit.
Only certain Visa Debit cards are supported.
That’s cryptic, but I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by your enigmatic nature anymore. It’s like the frog and the scorpion, but instead a Mega Millions ticket that has as good a chance of winning as every other Mega Millions ticket but does not win. (You’re the scorpion.)
Once a deposit has been made, only winnings can be withdrawn from your account. The minimum withdrawal amount is $10.
Quit playing games with my heart, Michigan Lottery, including the games Prince of Hearts, Love Struck and Fire & Ice. I can’t handle these mixed signals. You never write, you never call. Then hotline bling at 3:41 in the morning on a Wednesday You tell me you miss me. You ask me the name of my first pet and favorite childhood food. You tempt me with Treetop Treasures, with Digsite Dollars, with Blizzard Bucks.
You ask me to get my stuff. You offer to transfer it directly to me. But then I’m not enough for you. Not big enough, not winning enough. Was I ever? I feel like one of the balls knocking around in between Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, unsure whether I’ll ever be sucked up into your pneumatic tube ... whether I even want to be sucked up into your pneumatic tube anymore.
I guess this is goodbye, Michigan Lottery. I wish you would just keep my $3.50 and buy yourself something nice. Just know that I’ll think of you every time I see a discarded Instant Win blowing in the wind and wonder, if only for a moment, what might have been.
You’re welcome, Michigan Lottery.